this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
You Might Also Like
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit