Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
You Might Also Like
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”