My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
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It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
reviewed some movies recently
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.