some things should go without saying
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Don’t snitch tag.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.