Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.