If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
You Might Also Like
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
My dad teaching me to drive
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…