I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
You Might Also Like
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Where is your GOD now????
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
as is their right
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!