when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Monday Lisa
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.