@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”