just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
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My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.