Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Bootstraps
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1