Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
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I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.