“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
never deleting this app.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.