If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
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Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
This meal prepping shit is easy
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?