ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
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My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?