My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I cannot call her anything else now
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!