Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
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*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit