I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.