It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
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Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
can I use a minion as a tampon
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.