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Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked