Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
You look like you would fail a DNA test
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).