Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
You Might Also Like
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink