Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
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“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
the three branches of government
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.