Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??