Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.