Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.