I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall