me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*