A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
thinking about a very short hotdog
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.