If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
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[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.