My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
You Might Also Like
Ain’t no way
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
#StillHurts
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend