I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
This meal prepping shit easy
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*