went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
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Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.