I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
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oh u like geography? name every lake
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers