The Wolf of Wall Street.
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
True freaking story!
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me: