Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
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British people be like I’m Bri ish
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
the three branches of government
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.