I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Cat.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
why does this building look like a guilty dog
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies