When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
This probably isn’t good
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot