Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Hero horse inspires millions
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming