At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks