my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
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Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.