Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…