What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I have a black belt in leather
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.