im all 3
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Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬