WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–