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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
All set.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?