wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?