When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.