I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
lmfao
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
The only equipped I am is ill.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity