Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.